"World History - As it Really Happened"

The following is compiled from several sources, including varied iterations from at least my friend JAMES JOHNSON (12/13/06), Ran at DAIMNATION (10/27/06),and Dawg at TechRepublic (3/9/06). There may have been others. Whoever originated it is pretty much a genius, IMHO.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and *lobster in the winter. [*Note: only the unorthodox.]

The two most important events in all of history were the inventionof beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

... Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant . Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Most modern liberals like gourmet* imported beer (with lime added), but many prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are also standard liberal fare. (*weak or watery)

Interestingly enough, one sub-set of liberals has been identified which claim to prefer the lustier beers and ales originally brewed in England or Australia. There is some DNA evidence to suggest these "liberals" are actually misguided "closet conservatives" attempting to retain some level of societal security by appearing to 'blend in' with their 'neighbours'.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of Liberals' women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic* beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. (*stronger flavor)

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. [Does 'enlightened' refer to the nightly bonfires in Vénisseux and Grigny?]

That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were taming America . Afterwards, when it was safe to do so, they crept in after the Wild West was "civilised" and created businesses dedicated to getting more for doing nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this historic recollection before forwarding it. [Don't know why... They got it for nothing.]

Conservatives will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this historical essay that they will link to it immediately and pass it on to other true believers. And also on to other liberals just to [goad] them.

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