Wednesday, December 13, 2006

"World History - As it Really Happened"

The following is compiled from several sources, including varied iterations from at least my friend JAMES JOHNSON (12/13/06), Ran at DAIMNATION (10/27/06),and Dawg at TechRepublic (3/9/06). There may have been others. Whoever originated it is pretty much a genius, IMHO.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and *lobster in the winter. [*Note: only the unorthodox.]

The two most important events in all of history were the inventionof beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

... Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant . Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Most modern liberals like gourmet* imported beer (with lime added), but many prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are also standard liberal fare. (*weak or watery)

Interestingly enough, one sub-set of liberals has been identified which claim to prefer the lustier beers and ales originally brewed in England or Australia. There is some DNA evidence to suggest these "liberals" are actually misguided "closet conservatives" attempting to retain some level of societal security by appearing to 'blend in' with their 'neighbours'.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of Liberals' women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic* beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. (*stronger flavor)

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. [Does 'enlightened' refer to the nightly bonfires in VĂ©nisseux and Grigny?]

That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were taming America . Afterwards, when it was safe to do so, they crept in after the Wild West was "civilised" and created businesses dedicated to getting more for doing nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this historic recollection before forwarding it. [Don't know why... They got it for nothing.]

Conservatives will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this historical essay that they will link to it immediately and pass it on to other true believers. And also on to other liberals just to [goad] them.


Stephen (aka Q) said...

I won't link to it, or forward it to anyone, which "outs" me as a Liberal.

But I got a good chuckle out of the history lesson anyway!

My only serious objection was to the line about imported beer. Yer Belgian beers are for girliemen, I grant you. But yer British beers make American beers look like Perrier by comparison.

Bill said...

Oh what a challenge to live up to. Unfortunately I will have to wait till the new year when I have time to properly roast the conservatives. Because although I prefer my meat medium rather than well done, I like my conservatives well roasted.

But I must admit this is a work well done.

Merry Christmas 49erdweet

49erDweet said...

stephen, I made a few editorial changes/additions regarding beers, et al, to sort of cover your objections. I do concur with you - even though I'm not really a beer fancier. (What does that say about me?)
Thanks for taking this in the spirit under which it was offered. It speaks volumes of us as persons when we can laugh at ourselves, I believe. And it was simply too cute to pass up.

bill, I have every confidence you will fully exceed my expectations. Can't wait for your 'roasting'.

God's richest blessings during the Christmas season to you both, along with my wishes for the happiest and safest of New Years.

Anonymous said...

Since when have cats become domesticated? And, just in case I missed their domestication, why do you give credit to those L++++++'s, anyway? Just another example of a group of hard working, obviously meat eating conservatives not getting the proper credit for their sterling achievement that has taken years of patience and tons of cat chow and friskies.. And now, even you, my sainted Dad have bought into their propaganda...and continue to further the myth.
Everyone knows that cats will only allow themselves to be owned by conservatives...oh, they may pretend to be interested in that other kind of folk briefly, but after they start offering organic vegetarian kibble and biodegradable litter any self respecting cat will hit the road pronto.


xxx000 Ed

49erDweet said...

Thank you, Ed*, for your instructive input. I blush with pride at the source of this startling but noteworthy corrective information, and shame at so obviously missing this important point. Love to the nietos.

*'Ed' equals Elder daughter.

Ed said...

I feel somehow that I am letting the sisterhood down in not pointing out yet another error in your otherwise instructive discourse: Your flawed beliefs regarding the origin of women.
Come on! And how dare you! How can you explain the centuries of poultry dressing, diaper changing, furniture dusting and all our other grueling work? Not to mention procreation of the species! Definitely not "girliemen" activities and certainly not liberal pastimes.
Other that that, and, of course, the cat domestication confusion, you were 100% right on.
Oh, yeah, you were off on the beer thing, too. Way off.
Merrie Christmas!

49erDweet said...

ed, nowhere in the original meme was there an insinuation that all women were orginally liberal men. Only that some liberal men eventually evolved into being women.

The actual picture is far more complex, of course.
"...the centuries of poultry dressing, diaper changing, furniture dusting and all our other grueling work? Not to mention procreation of the species! Definitely not "girliemen" activities and certainly not liberal pastimes."

This well-recited series of (dare I say) evolutionary development is most definitely reflective of a strong, courageous, conservative womenhood. Far be it from conservative men to even use the term "girlies" whilst referring to their women. Due to your youth you simply misunderstood your father's use of this term.

Actually, in the spirit of full disclosure, the last beer I consumed was a Swan's Lager from down under about umpteen thousand years ago.

bill, commenting on this blog above, simply expressed holiday greetings and a promise of "roastings" to come, but has now responded to ed rather brilliantly in his own blog, The Art of the Rant, and posted an earth-shattering cartoon rejection of her earlier comment, above. Well done, bill, about cats in general, I suppose, but only a blindly loyal liberal could ever suppose Siamese cats are anything but conservative.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Bill said...

I'm not sure about siamese cats being conservatives either. Siamese cats are known to be very vocal and even you must admit democrats never shut up, like their liberal counter parts north of the border, we tend to be a mouthy lot. (-:

I must get around to a longer response to this (maybe in the new year)

49erDweet said...

Ok, bill, this has become a tad too technical, but after studying Wiki yesterday I realized my cat "Bullet" from long, long ago was probably not "Siamese", but "Burmese". And all this time I've been wrong about her. Shame.

While reading about the two quite similar breeds (other than coloring) couldn't help noticing both "liked" being in the presence of humans. Well, that rules out liberals right there. I'd say you've got your work cut out for you.

Happy Roasting!